Observations
by 1Past and Present1
Summary: Wheatley thinks he's got them both figured out.


**Observations**

Hi! Good news; my cold is almost totally gone. Also, new fic, for those who somewhat enjoy my works. By the way, I love you guys. Seriously, I mean it. It's nice to feel like I almost have a fanbase.

I have never written Wheatley before. So, I may have screwed up royally with his dialogue (he's surprisingly challenging to characterise, I think). However, I had to try sometime, and try I did. Also, more crack. Takes place before all my other Portal fics published thus far.

Please enjoy.

* * *

"Ah, another one of my old tests." The potato hums with appreciation. "I've got files filled with fond memories of this one. Once of my favourites, actually."

My eyes widen. _You went all out, huh? _Gazing about the chamber's complex interior, I find my palms growing a bit sweaty at the sight of all the buttons, nooks, crannies, and high places with scarce portable surfaces available to reach them spread out before me._ Did the, erm, robot menopause make you extra malicious that day?_

"Remember, it is highly possible for you to die. Just stay calm and try your hardest not to. I have faith in your sense of self-preservation."

I nod. _Okay, GLaDOS. Thanks for the pep talk._

"Right! Here we go, then!" booms a familiar and deceptively cute British accent a second later from the giant monitor on the wall, Wheatley doing an excited little turn for show. "I'll admit, this test is a _bit_ of a step-up from the last few, but that's fine, 'cause I think it's time we more thoroughly tested your abilities, hey? _Really_ put you to the test, yeah? For science and all that. Anyhow, get to it."

I swallow. _Am I allowed to say no?_

"Moron," whispers the potato skewered to my Portal Gun, making me struggle not to smile as I start the test.

After a time, Wheatley makes a curious noise. A mixture between 'ooh' and 'uurgh'.

I ignore it, continuing testing.

GLaDOS alternates between muttering encouragements to me and insults directed at the Sphere.

In the coming minutes, it becomes almost soothingly monotonous. I'd drift off if not for the difficult nature of the current test. Despite Wheatley's addition of 'Super Ultra Test – Mine' spelled out in bright lights on the far wall, this chamber has GLaDOS' craftsmanship and sense of humour written all over it, right down to what appears to be a mechanical shark circling the murky pool below.

"That's interesting. Maybe _that's_ why you're testing so poorly." Wheatley sounds completely serious. As if I'm actually doing a bad job at this test chamber, when so far I've been progressing smoothly through all the obstacles. "You're distracted!"

I grit my teeth. _I'm gonna hit him if we ever live long enough to get out of here and stop this place from blowing up. Hit him really hard._

GLaDOS quietly takes my side. "Maybe it's you, moron. You know, it is true that your excessive moron-ness is very distracting."

"What?"

"Oh, nothing. I said nothing."

"Ah. I see. _This_ again. You know, I am a very observant bloke. I've noticed."

"Noticed what?"

"Oh, come on! You can stop acting now."

I shoot a look at GLaDOS as we emerge from the orange portal. _What's he talking about?_

"No idea," she murmurs back. "Just keep testing. Don't let him distract you."

"So, potato…"

"Ignore him…"

"Um. Potato. I'm talking to you. The boss over here, you know."

She sighs with annoyance, finally addressing the Intelligence Dampening Sphere aloud. "_What_, metal ball?"

"Well… that should be clear by now, shouldn't it? As they say, 'the jig is up'. That is a saying, right? Anyway, if it wasn't then, it is now. I made it so. So!" He pauses dramatically, then exclaims in a thrilling voice, "_The gig is up_, my prisoners! I now know the truth! Ah-ha! Yes, I sure do! No more mystery here, no, sir! None at all!"

Slowing down my approach, I focus on the monitor, curious despite myself. _Jig? What jig? I didn't know where was a Jig._

"Why are you looking at him? That's just encouragement for his idiocy to continue," GLaDOS quietly scolds me. After a moment's reflection she adds tiredly, "Well, granted, he doesn't need much encouragement…"

"Whispering again, eh?" Wheatley narrows his optic slyly, twiddling his upper handlebar to mimic a pair of suggestive eyebrows. "Just like I expected."

Now I'm more than curious, earning another sigh from the potato I'm carrying around. _What? I wanna know what he's talking about._

"Fine. You now have _our_ attention. _Moron_."

"Great, great. So, potato. Do you, ahahaha…" He rolls his optic conspiratorially. "Like a human with _generous proportions_, hmm?"

I stop walking immediately._ What?_

"Excuse me?"

"That human, to be precise. You know. Because she's a bit round in some places."

My jaw drops.

"So. You like 'em chubby, 'ey?"

GLaDOS is quiet.

"I'm waiting."

_Did… _Slowly I draw my companion a little closer to me, as if to whisper my thoughts to her. _Did he just throw another fat joke at me? A whole bunch of them? Just now?_

"I'll take that silence as a yes, then." He sounds a little smugger than usual, his round body puffing out with success.

Finally, the potato at the end of my Portal Gun has a reply; "What are you talking about?" It's not nearly as powerful I hoped.

I slump a little with disappointment. _You're supposed to defend me! _I wave a hand at the monitor._ Tell him how not-fat I am!_

He laughs. Loudly, as evilly as possible, the Sphere cackles for some time.

GLaDOS and I exchange a confused glance, then look back to the maniacal Wheatley, magnified hugely by the monitor. We wait for his laughter to cease.

Finally, he calms down. "Whew. That felt good."

My partner is not amused. "Answer me, metal ball."

"You honestly think I'm that stupid? That I honestly can't see something so blatantly obvious when I look at you two?"

GLaDOS vibrates a little on the prong of my Portal Gun. "I think you're that stupid, regardless." She sounds aggravated, and the bright, hot flashes of her optic are anything but friendly or cheerful. "Now explain yourself before I try exploding you with my epic mind powers. Oh, wait. Insufficient power. _Damn this potato body_."

"Nuh-uh-uh! Don't act coy with me. You _know_ what I'm talking about."

"I do not."

"Sure do."

"Don't."

"I think you do!"

"No."

"Come on, luv. Admit it."

"I told you. I don't know what you're talking about." As if to emphasise this, the potato gives one final vibration before the gold of GLaDOS' optic swivels stubbornly away from myself and Wheatley. "I refuse to take part in this argument because it is stupid."

"Oh? All right, then. I'll just tell you." He practically grins down at us. "You've got a little _something_ going on, yeah? Between the two of you, yeah? A little something secret, yeah? Am I right, yeah? Yeah?"

I raise a brow.

"Something secret…?"

"Right! I knew it! I knew there was something going on between you two! My senses are sharp as a very sharp knife! Can't fool ol' Wheatley!"

GLaDOS reluctantly returns her glare to the monitor. "What _are_ you talking about?"

I sigh. _And you said I was encouraging him._

"Well, let's see. Hmm. You, being the potato, get the _itch_ for a certain female human with some, ahem…" The Sphere gives me a slow look-over before making a sound similar to clearing one's throat. "_Volume_. Know what I'm saying, yeah?"

I blink rapidly, my brows knitting together. It takes me a second to realise that the fat jokes are still coming. _But she said earlier that I'm not-_

"You like a human you can grab hold of and, like, hold. Oh, wait, you don't have those claw thingies anymore, do ya? Nope! They're mine, now! So _technically_, you can't hold your cuddly human in that body like you could in this one!" He offers me a creepy expression. "_But I can_. _Because I've got the claws_."

There's a moment where nothing is said and nobody does anything.

"You're treading on thin ice," GLaDOS mutters eventually, ending the uncomfortable moment, though she speaks mostly to herself it seems. In an even lower voice she whispers, "If I had a claw, I'd slap you with it. Hard. Over and over again. Slap you to _death_."

I'm simply too insulted and disturbed to bother gifting the moronic Sphere with a response, glaring at the short row of pristine white panels lining the wall alongside the potato and me. _Not fat_, I tell myself. _Not fat. Not fat. Creepy robot ball. He's the fat one. Hypocrite._

"Well?"

"I still have no idea what you're blabbering on about."

I care a glance at the monitor, stepping back with alarm as Wheatley leans in, growing in size until he manages to truly look terrifying.

"_Lies_!" rumbles giant Wheatley.

I jump backward at the explosion of sound._ Aaah!_

Even GLaDOS makes a startled gasp, but she masks it quickly. "Don't spook my lunatic with the Voice Amplifier. She's carrying a vital apparatus with me attached to it."

"And don't try and deny the truth, potato," he hisses menacingly. "I've seen the way you two communicate. The way she looks at you. The way you whisper sweet nothings to her when you think I don't notice, but I do, and I've watched her, how she leans in just a little bit to listen…"

I tilt my head to one side. _Are you jealous? 'Cause you sound like my ex-boyfriend when he talks about other guys who don't exist._

"Sweet nothings!" GLaDOS' speaker screeches, causing me to jump with alarm yet again. "We're _plotting_, you moron! Planning your downfall!"

I steady myself, panting as my heart eases its beating to more comfortable speeds._ Gah, almost crapped out my heart twice just now._

"Uh-huh." He chuckles. "That's what you _want_ me to believe. But I know that's just a cover-up. Ol' Wheatley knows. He knows." The Sphere leans in even closer to whisper, though not at all quietly, "_I know_."

I slowly turn to the potato, my brows rising. _GLaDOS?_

"Wha-?" Her optic flashes. "No! You are incorrect in your assumptions! Lunatic, don't listen to him, he's corrupt with power."

"Whew! Aren't we a defensive potato?"

"_We_ are going to _hurt_ you when _we_ get back into _our_ rightful body!" She vibrates so hard I struggle to keep a grip on my Portal Gun. "Hear _us_?"

"Haha. You're funny, you know that? I only noticed just now. You're hilarious! And kinda adorable stuck as a tiny, harmless potato. Muahaha."

"Why you arrogant little-"

I imagine GLaDOS sizzling out, something I'd like to avoid since being alone with megalomaniac-Wheatley sounds awful right now. Spotting an idle Weighted Storage Cube, I sprint toward it and pluck it off the floor with the Portal Gun's tractor beam. I make my way toward the nearest Aerial Faith Plate conveniently waiting for me to use as a catapult. _Right, let's be destructive. Good at that._

"Got the hots for her, don't you?"

"Oh, will you stop talking already?"

"No. Ask me why."

"Why?"

"Because you didn't ask nicely."

"Fine. Please stop talking. There. I asked nicely."

"Judging by your tone, that wasn't much of a request…"

"_Please_ stop?"

"No! Sorry, can't. I'm having far too much fun right now! Whale of a time! Whoo-hoo! You know something? Being godlike is glorious! I can say whatever I want and it's no skin off my nose! Potato and Lady, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-"

I drop the Cube, step back, and watch it hurtle through the air, moments later impacting its target.

The heavy Cube smashes the fragile monitor in a shower of glass and sparks, rendering Wheatley's face almost unrecognisable. It is a victory that leaves me grinning.

"Oi! I thought I told you to stop _doing_ that!"

"Nice shot," the potato compliments. She's calmed down somewhat. "Knew you'd come in useful for more than just a mount."

"I will have you know," Wheatley growls, "we are running out of monitors thanks to your pet chimpanzee."

"I trained her well," GLaDOS replies dryly, and I strut back to grab another Cube.

"You know what? I can't really see so well out of this thing anymore, since your little stunt back there broke the built-in camera, um, thing. So, I'm just going to go read a book and listen to classical music like any intelligent person would do whilst you two finish this test. Hopefully the pair of you will have cooled off by then and we can do some science. And hey, I think she likes you back, by the way."

I turn to find Wheatley absent from the cracked screen. _Ugh, thank goodness. He was driving me nuts. _I then look down at the glowering potato. _You okay, GLaDOS?_

She says nothing, still buzzing angrily.

I give my gun a gentle tug, jostling her. _Come on; don't go all broody on me. I need you._

"Harrumph," she replies, sounding almost stuffy. "Don't know what he's talking about. Stupid, dumb moron… moronic moron… just… I really hate that moron!"

I smirk. _So you're fine, then._

She's quiet whilst I go about testing, but as we reach the final obstacle she speaks up for the first time in minutes.

"He's mean." I can _hear_ the childish pout in her voice.

I lower the Weighted Storage Cube gently on the button and exit the chamber, making my way down metal stairs to the waiting elevator whilst the distant booms of a dying facility echo around us. _Yes. He certainly is._

"I want to crush his little big head. Crush it flat. A metal pancake. Then toss the remains into the depths of the incinerator."

I nod.

"But I will resist. I have far more terrible things in mind for that moron."

I smile.

"He will rue the day he ever messed with me."

There's a pause.

"I mean us. He will rue the day he ever messed with us."

I step into the lift.

"Lunatic?"

Lower my gaze to GLaDOS. _Potato._

"I'm glad you're a mute. Enduring the metal ball has reminded me how much I hate all voices besides my own. Your quiet is… refreshing. Stay that way for as long as possible."

I incline my head to her and lean back against the lift's curving wall, watching the doors seal shut.

"And while most of what he said is madness… I'll admit, maybe your cuddliness is a _little_ bit appealing…"

I soothingly tap a finger over the lumpy surface of the potato, quieting the mumbling AI. _No. No more fat jokes._

"Oh. Okay. Just… as long as this lift ride isn't awkward."


End file.
